Adelaideism

The wonderful thing about being human is that we are always living in an age of constant technical revolution. New ideas are being tossed about, new theories, new styles, even fashion changes from day to day. Unfortunately, living in Adelaide, most of this constant state of flux is repressed. To say Adelaide is conservative is like calling the Queen a lady that’s getting on a bit, with a small amount of money behind her. So Adelaide gets left behind the rest of the world, dragging its heels, rather like the recalcitrant teenager we all were at 15. We want to do things our way, regardless of what everyone else is doing. The local newspaper does a fantastic job of sensationalising stories to such an extent, that last weekend we were told that by 2010, Adelaide was pretty much going to be a wasteland, in a fug of nuclear fallout.

It seems Adelaide’s policy makers have this utopian dream of us all living in colonial styled houses, dressing conservatively, leading our quiet little lives, and heavens, dare you suggest change, you’ll be simply marched to the city boundary, and the gates will shut behind you. If you want to immigrate to Adelaide (you will, trust me, it’s a great place to die, 40% of our population are retired, so it must be good), you’ll need to pass a test to make sure that you won’t bring any radical ideas into this non changing city. It’s almost as if they want us to reside in 1950, just before the word teenager was invented. This disease, I like to term Adelaideism.

As the youth of Adelaide, we are always looking forward to the day we can break free, finish our university studies, and move out. Brain drain rears its ugly head, our most talented people either being head hunted and offered tempting pay and work, or simply heading further afar to more interesting climes. The United Kingdom certainly is one of the ideal locations for most of our graduates to venture forth to. Lately though, there has been a worrying trend, that seems to be growing. Adelaideism seems to be catching in the UK, and now it has struck the heart of their politicians.

There is a motorway called the M6. It travels from Birmingham to Manchester. Congestion is rife along this journey, with the road struggling to cope with demand. A new road was proposed, called the M6 Expressway, which ran parallel to the M6, and was intended to relieve congestion along the struggling M6. Motorists would have saved 30 minutes in either direction, which has flow on effects, less pollution, less road rage, and so forth.

But this was to never be. Environmentalists (emphasis on the mentalist) have intervened, and blown wind up any investor wanting to invest money in the project. The Mentalists have apparently located a dozen of sensitive sites that this road would damage, the two most prominent ones being Trentham Gardens, and Stafford Castle. Now I’m sure in 1759 a committee of Environmentalists would have sat down with the owners and architects, making sure that the site that they picked to construct the simply massive house was the least damaging to this, ahem, sensitive area. Not. I’m sure the same happened in 1100 to Stafford Castle. Except this time, it would’ve been a civil engineer in place of the architect to make sure that the artificial hill they constructed would be of the least damage to the local environment. Not.

This thinking really annoys me, its backward, stupid thinking. Why stop progress, for progress sake? This happens in Adelaide, where nothing of notable use to the world has ever come. Balfours & Villies pies, pasties and cakes don’t count. When Karl Benz invented the first ever motorcar, I’m sure there were no politicians or eco weenies to disrupt his work. If Karl was alive today, and had just constructed his Benz Patent Motorwagen in Adelaide, you could guarantee he would’ve been marched to the city limit, and told never to come back again. Good heavens, such thinking must be stamped out, lest it spread like wildfire among the population.

Actually, Adelaide has brought something to the world. Adelaideism.

Hyundai Santa Fe

If you ever get trapped in a conversation with someone over the age of 40, discussing the merits of modern technology, you get the impression that things were much better in the 60’s than today. Life was simple, you worked 9 to 5, you had great music around, and it seemed the sun was always shining. Even the people were more beautiful back then. The cars were simple so you could fix them yourself, if you had the nous, or your mate could fix it for a slab of beer. Prices were cheaper then too, you could even buy a new car for a few thousand dollars. Great times indeed.

What they don’t mention is that modern medicine didn’t exist then, wars were rife, and frankly, the cars were rubbish. The reason why you don’t see many old cars around today is that they tended to rust. Quite quickly too, if you lived north of Sydney. You bought a car every three years, not because it was trendy to do so, because the whole driveline had rusted into one piece of iron, the floor of the car had holes you could see the road through, and bits fell off quite regularly.

Which brings me nicely up to today. Is it possible to purchase a bad car? They may not rust, or fall to bits after you drive around the corner past the dealership. Car companies have cleaned up their acts, and are making reliable cars these days. Well, most of them are, at least.

But is it possible to actually buy a crap car? As we have seen above, the boundaries need to be adjusted. You can purchase reliable cars, that have strong residuals, and we’re also lucky to have a plethora of models to choose from. The small things begin to matter, fuel economy, driveability and looks.

Unfortunately, for Hyundai, the Santa Fe is a miserable car. I can say this quite confidently, having driven it on both sides of the world. I drive a Toyota Echo quite often, and this is a brilliant city car, but rubbish on the open road. It’s noisy, the engine is buzzing away at 3000rpm, and gets blown around quite badly in crosswinds. The Santa Fe is not a city car, and it suffers the same problem the Echo does. At 110kph, the radio has to be turned up so loud, that when you slow down to 60kph it’s blasting at you. The engine makes so much din, it’s still audible at highway speeds. When taking off from the lights, it sounds thrashy and strained.

Fuel consumption is so bad, it’s actually comedic. Hyundai have designed the first small V6 that has a drinking problem. It has the fuel consumption of a much larger engine. Which brings me to the worst point. The styling. It looks like they designed a well proportioned car, then in a vain attempt to make it look like something, tied a rope around the middle and squeezed. The headlights look like they’re bulging out from the front, like a cartoon character’s eyes, the radiator grill looks like someone punched it in the nose, and has swollen up unreasonably large. The middle looks similar to a fat man sucking in his chest, but doesn’t know how to suck his butt cheeks in, and leaves it all on show. This is not an attractive car.

The interior makes the exterior look simply benign. The last time I’ve seen such tinny plastics was on yoghurt containers. They even tried to put a leather texture on the dashboard to give it some visual appeal, but failed. It looks like an elephants hide. The big three knobs that control the heating and cooling aren’t even put in properly. If you push hard enough, they disappear into the dashboard. The drive is just as bad, it leans horribly in the bends, the steering has no feedback, and just does not enjoy a spirited drive one bit. Sure it can go around corners quickly, but it’s a bit like asking your grandmother to the 100 meter sprint. Yes, she can do it, but you feel bad for making her do so.

So what is actually good about this car? I discovered that up in the cold climes of Sweden, where snow and beautiful women are bountiful, sunshine was not. When filling up the car at remote fuel stations on the highway, I came across massive empty car parks covered in snow. Having a few minutes to spare, and being rather mischievous, I found that with a few degrees of opposite lock on, and a right foot welded to the floor makes this a brilliant donut maker.

Second Hand Cars

I’m in a little dilemma at the moment. I’ve reached the point in were I’m requiring a set of my own wheels, and thus I’ve started to scour the second hand market. The only problem is, as an architect student, I can’t just go out and purchase any old car. So I’ve been slowly working my way through all sorts of interesting publications that advertise second hand cars. So far my research efforts combined with my own personal criteria have quickly culled a lot of cars out.

Price was the first issue. I’d love to be able to walk into my Audi dealership and drive out in an A8. So something more in tune with my budget was needed. Next common cars had to go. I could not go out and purchase something Asian. Korean, Malaysian are a definitely out of the question. I do enjoy a spirited drive, but I can’t have a sports car from Japan. It’s the whole boy racer image that just doesn’t sit well. It also means that you have friends who will talk engine numbers to you. I have a few friends like that, and I have no idea what on earth they are talking about. I’ve tried turning the conversation onto the style of the car, and how ridiculously anonymous or vulgar they are. And the names don’t exactly project images of vast landscapes, with you inside in the middle of the action of your car. 180SX? It sounds like a computer processor.

What about something local? Anything half decent has to be within 5 years old. And it can’t be the bottom model, because frankly, it’s far too common. So that means looking at something a little older, and a little more prestigious. But I’d also want the one with the big engine. And that means looking back further into the mists of time. An old Ford Fairlane, whilst looks reasonably handsome from the outside, the interior is pure American. That means vast amount of plastic, similar quality to the stuff that they make waste bins out of. Sorry Australia, I love you to bits, but no.

I can’t drive anything American because, well, anything in my budget goes in a straight line very well, but does not go round corners. That leaves me with one choice left: Europe. So which one? Old Jaguars are pure sex. They look amazing, and the one I’ve unfortunately lusted after is the venerable XJS. There is one small problem though; they were built in the time when Jaguar’s workers were more interested in picketing rather than bolting the cars together. To say they were built poorly is a bit like saying Rover was a well run car company. The stories about these cars breaking down are stories of wonder. The electronic supplier at the time was a company called Lucas. Or, as better known in the trade as Lucas Prince of Darkness. There are millions of jokes, such as “The Lucas Motto, get home before dark,” “inventor of the first self-dimming headlamp.” And so on.

Italian cars are also out of the question. They make Jaguar’s look reliable. A close friend of mine owns a Alfa-Romeo 33, and there is always something wrong with it. I’ve seen it overheat, break down, bits fall off, it rattles, the headlights shake themselves so loose, that you can’t see anything at night, except the trees on the left hand side of the road. So this really leaves the French and the Germans. And I’ve narrowed the list down to two cars – first, the Peugeot 205GTI. Sure it rattles more than my mate’s Alfa. Bits fall off at random, but this car, more specifically the 1.9 litre model, is possibly one of the best handling hatches of all time. You see it high up in the top 10 hot hatch lists. Lists including cars that are made today.

The other car is German. I’d consider a BMW, but you’d have to buy a six cylinder model, otherwise it’s not a Beemer. The only 6 cylinder I’m able to afford is a 535i. And if I’m going for a car with a big engine, I might as well bite the bullet and go for a V8. This leaves only one manufacturer, Mercedes. To be more specific, the 500SE. A big car, dual climate air-con for Adelaide’s scorching summer and that thumping V8 under the bonnet. Coupled with the car’s indestructibility, this would make the perfect cruising car, or even a long distance loper. Comfortable, refined, effortless style, and that badge.

All I have to do now is accumulate enough funds to put enough fuel in the bugger