Aston Martin Vantage vs. Porsche 911 S

In the lead up to the last National Election, we had two clear choices for leaders, John Howard & Mark Latham. One offered the same promise he'd been offering since he was first elected at the dawn of time. The other was a relative new comer, which was full of promises and sweeping changes for the betterment of the Australian Community.

Australia had a choice, to stay with the old, or take a gamble and vote for the new. Howard promised to the people for no interest rate rises, and no radical changes. We as a country knew what to expect from the elected PM. The new comer was offering a breath of fresh air. Fresh changes to make Australia a better place to live and work. Offered with these choices, Australian's voted with their mortgages and decided to stay with what they knew. And what happened? Interest rates went up within a year.

The Porsche can be seen as the John Howard of sports cars, it hasn't changed since the wheel was invented, and is as old as the dinosaurs. The engine is still in the same spot it has always been, and stubbornly will to the end of time; in the back. Just like Howard surrounding himself with intelligent advisors, Porsche has some of the world’s best engineers in an attempt to dial in the ponderous pendulum effect due to all the weight sitting behind the rear axle. The latest and greatest iteration capitalises on this, creating one of the most versatile sports cars yet, a car you can race on Sunday and drive to work on Monday.

But what about the new comer? A few years ago Aston Martin promised a Porsche 911 beater. Unlike other promised 911 beaters, this was a creditable challenge to the 911's crown as an everyday Supercar. It had the looks, the right badge, a team of excellent and motivated engineers, and most crucially, the price was right.

To behold the Aston Martin Vantage is a stunning vehicle. Feline curves pulled taughtly around its curvaceous body, hunkered down looks, hold itself a clear head and shoulders above contemporary sports cars. This design philosophy carries through to the interior, with wonderfully sculpted dials & a glass starter button to fire up the modified Jaguar V8. It's not just a one trick pony either; the exhaust has a switchable flap inside which opens up to release the feral nature of this seriously cool cat.

But has Aston walked into a fight it can't win? The Porsche is easily one of the most accomplished sports cars you can buy today. And well priced, starting at £60,000($140,000AUD-don't forget the actual $200kAUD price tag is attributed to local taxes) for a precision German engineered instrument that can, and will, last for decades. But the Aston starts at £80,000($185,000AUD), a crucial £20,000 over the all conquering Porsche. Is it worth the extra outlay over the 911? Your not getting the 50 odd years of development the 911 has, but you do get exclusivity, and 'that' badge. It you drive a Porsche, people assume your arrogant and pretentious. If you drive an Aston Martin, regardless what model, people will think you as well dressed, good looking and well connected, all the more reason not to get the cabriolet, to keep 'that' myth alive! So, again, is it worth the extra outlay for a Jaguar engine in a mini DB9? Yes, yes and yes.

Now we had a clear cut choice between our politicians. But hopefully the parallels don't travel both ways, with Aston Martin loosing out badly, quitting the game, and releasing a book whinging about how unfair and unjust the business is.

Lexus – Taking Over the World

The Toyota Corolla is Australia’s 2^nd most bought car so far in 2005. This is about to change.

In the last election, the labour party, as a last ditched effort to attract voters, decided to appeal to an important demographic. They promised in the last week that they would stop cutting down trees in Tasmania. Other political parties are also starting to align themselves with the same type of voter. And now, car companies have realised, in their slow thinking ways that maybe, just maybe, creating a car for this type of person, might make them some money. First to step up to the plate is Lexus.

The 21^st Century household wife is a well educated person, who may have just sacrificed her career to help in the upbringing of her children. By nature, she’s a pacifist, and above all, she cares. She really cares about her children, so she drives a four wheel drive. But because she cares, she feels bad about all the small animals that are dying because of this large obtuse object that she inflicts on the school run. But because she just cares about her children more than the environment, and remembering only just, she won’t get rid of the lumbering beast, for something a little more tamer, something that in its spare time helps out the monkeys in Africa.

Ideally she would like Pierce Brosnan to come and sweep her off her feet, but at this point in life, she knows that it’s not going to happen, so she’ll settle for second best. All the major car manufacturers these days produce a large SUV, but Lexus has just landed a killing blow, that potentially would replace the BMW X5 as the yummy mummy’s car of choice.

The BMW has been the perfect school run car. It has the badge. It has the looks, and crucially, it’s one that the husband doesn’t mind paying out for. This is because when he was in a waiting room one day, the only choice of magazines to pass the time, were either 4 worded articles, with single syllable words detailing the lives of celebrities you’ve never heard of, or a few car magazines. Whilst feigning disinterest, he leafs through one of the car mags, and comes across an article detailing a few SUV’s, and marking out the X5 as the one to have. He doesn’t understand what it means by lift off oversteer, and plough on understeer, but they sound fantastic to him, and surely, they must mean it’s a good car. The wife approves, and they purchase it, in silver, with the thumping great big V8 and drug dealer wheels.

The vehicle? Well, it looks nothing more than just a Lexus RX330. But when the aforementioned mum is chatting to other mums at the school run, one of them will mention smugly, that hers is hybrid. Of course, they’ve all heard about hybrids, and isn’t it one of those funny little Toyota things? Too small! How on earth would she keep her children safe in one of them?

Her friend shows her the hybrid – the Lexus 400h. It looks like a RX330, but her friend assures her, it doesn’t use any fuel to pootle down to the shops for a frappe mocha latte with Lesley and Dianne.

This is why the Lexus 400h is going to take over the world. This will be the most wanted car; every wife will be berating their husbands, denying them sex until they must simply get the Lexus. It even has an electric tailgate! It’s so good to the environment, she’ll tell all her friends about it, so they’ll buy one, and the whole process continues.

When you hear about the Lexus 400h outselling everything else on the market, remember, you read it here first.

Australian Television and Cars

Is There Something Lacking?

My favourite pastime, like most people, is to kick back and watch some TV. For me though, it’s just not any old television, it has to be car related, or NCIS related. Porn usually grabs my attention, but it’s not really known for its family values, something that the Family First Party has trouble dealing with.

The point that I’m trying to drive home here, is that on Sundays (and sometimes Saturdays) is usually dedicated to motorsport. Many a Sunday has slid by listening tuning into Trackside, RPM, F1 races, MotoGP, and V8 Supercars. Here we have an absolute plethora of action packed motorsport, but nothing general or light hearted about cars.

The UK produces two very excellent television programmes, Top Gear & Fifth Gear. I’m quite a fan of both programmes, and when there isn’t much to watch of television, I’m usually found watching an episode or two, whiling the hours away.

This has me thinking, we live in a fantastic country. We love our cars; why else does V8 Supercars attract such a large following? A television programme along the lines of the aforementioned shows. Which one would be more suited though?

We have a lot of fine auto magazine writers who would be more than happy to work for a television show (I’m making assumptions here!) and talk about their passion. We’ve already had a television show about cars on Channel 9 that flopped (because, quite frankly, it was really boring), so I believe a Fifth Gear styled show wouldn’t go down so well.

Top Gear on the other hand would be fantastic. Something funny, punchy, a little controversial, but above all, interesting. You don’t need to know anything about cars to appreciate the humour in this styled show, were as in Fifth Gear, it helps to at least be interested in cars.

Why am I writing this article? Purely because I’d be one of the hosts! Hell, it has to be one of the best jobs in the world.

Big Car Woes

It's not all roses for the large Sedan

All the news at the moment, especially here in Adelaide, the equivalent to Detroit-Motor City, is the sacking of 1500 jobs from GM Holden’s plant. Reading between the lines shows a darker story for the Australian large sedan.
With the price of fuel rising and trends towards large SUV’s rising, sales are declining for Holden’s Commodore and Ford’s Falcon. Indeed, the Toyota Corolla has just eclipsed sales of the Falcon, last month.
Holden have also pulled their midsize sedan, the Vectra, from the Australian market. This never really was a success, and the timing of the declining sales of large sedans couldn’t be at a worse time. Ford should take note, and learn from this. Whilst releasing the Mondeo on the Australian market after Holden pulls the Vectra may sound bad, there is a business case for it to work.
Ford’s newly released Focus took them by surprise, by the unprecedented demand. People are buying the Corolla, Mazda 3 and the Astra instead, due to long waiting lists. Ford won’t be able to get more supplies until 2006 when the South African factories production is cranked up to satisfy demand.
So where does the Mondeo sit in all this? In the lower segment of the sedan market, the $29,990, there are two cars that are predominantly cornering the market are the Mazda 6 and the Honda Accord Euro. Ford should offer the Mondeo, but not just offering a choice between a 4 & 6 cylinder models, they should also push the car into territory that Ford could easily fulfil.
Volkswagen have been surprised by the unprecedented demand for their Golf diesel model, so much so that they’ve delayed commercials due to being just able to meet demand through their dealers. With pump prices rising, and Australian looking for fuel alternatives, a diesel Ford Mondeo starts to make sense. It’s a good looking car, can seat four people in comfort, and a guarantee of small pump prices, something that owners of large 6 cylinder sedans can only dream about.
A sales revolution won’t happen overnight, and it will take a while for public perception to change their views towards diesel. This is helped by more European manufacturers bringing over diesels in their smaller cars; Peugeot is leading the charge here with a number of their small cars offered with diesel engines. Fuel stations can take the initiative as well and offer disposable gloves at traditionally dirty diesel pumps, similar to European fuel stations. Diesel engines in SUV’s are also attractive; Ford’s Territory only major let down is the high fuel consumption, which could be resolved through importing Volvo’s 2.4 diesel. One way to revive flagging sedan sales is offering a diesel, admittedly something the market isn’t ready for yet. But who knows, Ford offering a XR-D?!

I apologise for not having any updates for a week now, due to work & uni commitments, I've been lagging a little behind. I promise an update within 24 hours.

In one of my first musings about cars I wrote was a comparison between the Ford Focus, Holden/Vauxhall/Opel Astra and the Volkswagen Golf. I decided to bite the bullet, and actually drive two of these vehicles and compare the both of them. Here is my personal review of the Focus and the Astra.

In Review: Holden Astra & Ford Focus

The midrange hatch segment is a highly competitive marketplace. Thankfully in this day and age, there is no such thing as a bad car, a true lemon, but there are still fantastic cars and deals around, all you need to be is an informed consumer. The Holden Astra has been on the Australian market for about a year now. It is an amazing looking car, with very striking looks, adorned with a few nice touches, such as the ghosted rear taillights. The style has been resolved very well, and is a real head turner, a true love or hate design.

The Ford Focus on the other hand, lets itself down poorly. It has very conservative styling, but that necessarily isn’t a bad thing. Australia by nature is a conservative society, on the whole, and this car should slot itself quite nicely on the roads. A sensible car, for sensible people. It even manages to look sporty with bright paintwork and optioned up with drug dealer wheels, and conversely looks conservative with a more muted hue, something not many designs are able to resolve successfully.

The interior of the two cars are fantastic, and very European. Their Germanic influences are very noticeable, with lots of dark, sombre colours. Both cars feel very expensive inside, belying both their base $20,990 price tags. Every button or dial has a solid, chunky, well put together feel. But when you start to examine both cars closer, cost cutting flaws start to crop up. The Astra has a large silver plastic console in the centre, which just feels a little cheap. Some of the fit and finish of meeting points are questionable, and should’ve been resolved on a car that has been in production for more than a year. The interior follows suit with the exterior of the vehicle, a love or hate, and a little gaudy.

The Focus isn’t perfect either. It feels a little cluttered, but is a vast improvement over the previous generation. The New Edge design has been binned in favour of a mimicry of the Volkswagen Golf’s interior. It feels a little classier over the Astra, but this would come down to personal taste and choice. The only real noticeable letdown was the door interior, when pushed against, the whole panel flexed in, and letting down the rest of the overall excellent interior ambience. But what are they like to drive?

The test route in both cars was a mix of urban roads. I unfortunately didn’t have the opportunity to test the cars more extensively, but a few things were readily apparent. The ride in the Astra was very nice. It felt controlled and well composed over poorly surfaced roads. Were it did let itself down was tyre and suspension noise. Every bump was transmitted into the cabin audibly and when driven over hotmix, you could hear each tyre roar clearly. The Focus has a trump card though, it’s independent rear suspension. The level of ride sophistication was phenomenal over the Astra, and is a clear cut above its class. The ride was quiet, very well composed, and when punted hard into corners, it had an engineered feel tendency to understeer, unlike the Astra that just rode hard on the outside front tyre, forcing the car into tyre howling levels of understeer. The brakes on both cars are good, with a nice solid feel. Whilst the engine in the Focus provides more power (107kW at 6000rpm, versus 90kW at 5600rpm) and is larger, it’s also more economical at 7.1 L/100km to 7.8 L/100km.

In a very tough price class, these two cars are the pinnacle, the Golf is too expensive, and you’re only paying for the badge, and if you chose either car, you have made a good choice. But the ride in the Focus, plus the more powerful and economical engine, puts it ahead of the Astra in this comparison.

Alright, due to recent criticism, I have been asked to write something a little less scathing. So I will write out my top ten car list. This list does change, and it will continue to revise, but here it is, at the moment, and in no particular order.

a)BMW M5

The current ‘Q’ car. I realise that this has just hit the marketplace, and everywhere you look another magazine has tested the car, and has made glorious comments regarding it, and its brother, the M6. I didn’t pick the M6 purely because the average buyer of a 5 series can option it up to look like a M5, minus the badge and the quad exhausts. So really, what you have is a very fast car with a V10, and no one none the wiser. A true wolf in sheep’s clothing.

I know BMW have had a lot of criticism in recent years due to the controversial look of their vehicles, with Christopher Bangle’s flame surfacing look, but it has been brought to perfection with the 5 series. It is the most cohesive of all his vehicles, and looks stunning from any angle. I wasn’t a fan of Mr. Bangle’s work until the 5 series, but now that he’s been moved away from the drawing board, I now lament this decision by BMW. Their cars have something that neither of the other two large German manufacturers have; on road presence.

b)Aston Martin DB9

Anyone who does not find this car beautiful, is either dead, or thinks a Holden Camira is a good car. This car is so achingly beautiful, I have said before, that I would do almost anything to drive one, let alone own one. I know 007 had the DB7 Vanquish (the car in the movie was a modified Vanquish with a Ford Explorer running gear and a Mustang V8 powering it, hence the cheap looking exhaust pipes protruding from the rear, watch the film) but it’s not the Bond connection that draws me to it. Just look at the car. It is so beautiful, it has perfect notes of aggressiveness in the rear flared haunches, giving it a muscled, toned and taut look ready to pounce, but contrasted perfectly with flowing graceful lines. This car looks fast sitting still, aggressive on the move and very, very desirable. Its little brother the Aston Martin V8 (AMV8) has the looks, but runs a Jaguar derived, Aston Martin fettled V8.

But the DB9 runs a V12, and everyone knows a V12 is better than a V8. To anyone who has heard this car, you know what I mean when I say it has a glorious exhaust note. The distinctive metallic howl exuding from the engine is a mixture of induction noise and exhaust note (tuned, of course) finishes off this package. The perfect GT (Grand Touring) car ever. And you can now get one in manual.

c)Koenigsegg CCR

Sweden is normally associated with making sensible family cars. Volvo and Saab make family friendly vehicles, although owned by larger corporations, still stick faithfully to their roots by providing the world with safe reliable cars you wouldn’t hesitated to recommend to anyone with a family. But Koenigsegg came along a few years ago and turned Sweden’s little world upside down. They have produced the world’s fastest production vehicle, and still have more to give. The car has rather interesting doors, which roll forward, free of the door opening area for easy access into and out from the car.

The engine has a Ford block base, but built up of completely bespoke parts from Koenigsegg. Then a supercharger is bolted on for good measure. This car produces an astonishing amount of power, 620kW at 6900 rpm. It’s a light car, weighing in under 1200 kg, perfect to exploit all that power.

d)Mitsubishi Evolution Lancer 9

The World Rally Championship has influenced the design on many cars over the years. More of the notable cars springs to mind are the Ford Escort Cosworth (all of them!), Ford RS200, and the Audi Quattro, the car that changed the face of rallying forever, through the introduction of all wheel drive. When Audi brought the Quattro into rallying, they completely decimated their rivals. The Group B class of cars still stick firmly in the memories of fans, prodigious power outputs and huge winged cars. The F1 of rallying if you like.

Which brings me to the Mitsubishi. Australians by nature generally go for the underdog, as we relate well to them, with our troubled start as a nation, being merely a dumping ground for the Empire to send their miscreants to. Mitsubishi have been in quite a bit of trouble in the past few years, with declining profits, and not much real hope of a future. They have taken the odd step of focusing on performance cars, and four wheel drives to stay in business. Their Lancer Evolution cars are a testament to a continuing development of the original recipe. The cars have gotten faster, lighter, with more and more technology poured into the chassis and drivetrain. Their engineers have bent the laws of physics progressively, to the extent this car can make the most ham fisted of drivers look like driving gods.

e)Mercedes Benz S600

So it has a big engine. And the new S Class is on its way soon. When I first started to read about this car, it astonished me with the amount of, well, stuff in it. It has 140 motors inside, with only one driving the car. If you want to see what direction technology in cars are going to be taking, Mercedes have always set the trend with the S Class. First with dual glazed windows, radar controlled cruise control, ABS, Airbags, the list just goes on. Quite simply, an astonishing car.

f)Land Rover Discovery

The most capable 4wd you can buy. Remarkable value for money, for roughly, $50,000 Australian, you get an astonishingly capable 4wd, with complete independent suspension, that has all the off road abilities of a live axle 4wd, but has on road comfort as well. Make sure you get one with the locking rear differential. Now with a Jaguar derived supercharged V8, rapid pace is included. The interior ambience has a touch of Aston Martin to it; it’s a very nice place to be.

g)Ford FPV Typhoon

I am a Ford fan, yes. But even if I wasn’t biased towards Ford, this car is amazing. An inline 6, displacing 4 litres with a turbo hung on to the side of it, creating 240kW of power, and 550nM of torque. Did I also mention it has the same clutch mechanism of an Aston Martin DB9 manual? There have been rumours of FPV testing their vehicles with ZF transmissions, which should defiantly see 6 speed automatic transmissions, and hopefully, a ZF derived manual transmission. Hopefully.

h)Ford Focus ST220

Yes, I am aware, that this is another Ford product. So far that makes it 4 all up. The first generation Focus came out to critical acclaim. It was a fresh faced, good looking car. The interior was well packaged, and if you could get over the slash that cut the dash in twine, well appointed inside. The engines on the other hand were a little disappointing, but the ride was something else. It had an independent rear suspension that gave this little car a very planted feel, great feel, and made it handle very well indeed.

The latest generation Focus has hit the market, and whilst the looks have been toned down, the negatives of the original car have been addressed. The interior is a very nice place to be, nice expensive soft touch plastics, a Jaguar derived manual gearbox, and new engines. The ST220 hasn’t been released yet, but it has been graced with a Volvo 2.5 Litre 5 cylinder engine, with 169kW of power (220 bhp, hence the 220 bit in the name). Already a fantastic engine in the Volvo, put into this little car, it will undoubtedly a fantastic hot hatch.

i)Porsche 911 S

I have always been a Porsche fan. The 911 are a testament to German stubbornness (stupidity?), with the engine in exactly the wrong spot. The latest incarnation has a flat 6, of 3.8 litres, with 261kW of power. The latest generation has an updated interior; it does eventually match the feel of spending $220,000 on an astonishing supercar. The car has been developed over the years and whilst it has gotten heavier and wider, it still mimics the original, but without the provocative nature that throws you into the nearest tree, rear end first.

j)Bentley Arnage T

Simple summed up, but a very complex car. The Bentley name implies luxury, at 200kph. A fantastic car for the wealthy owner who prefers to drive themselves around, rather than let a chauffer do the work. This is a stately car, with mind blowing performance from its 6.75 litre, twin turbo V8. Make sure you can afford the gigantic fuel bills that will follow. The finest materials are used throughout the interior, the dash is hewn from wood, 17 cows gave up their skins for your backside, and crushed nut husks are used to bolster the supports for the seats. The organ plungers used for the air vents are just an example of the thought and effort that has gone into this car to separate it from the rest of the pack. For the true captains of industry.

This list will change, undoubtedly. Some of these cars will stay on this list for years to come, such as the Porsche 911, and the Bentley. I realise there are no Lamborghini’s or Ferrari’s on the list, they both do produce desirable cars, yes, but this 10 car garage fulfils the thrills they provide.

My favourite from the list, still is the Aston Martin. So its engine is two Ford V6’s spliced together. It’s the sum of all parts, that makes this car the greatest, and the best.

Driven To Distraction

I apologise for not having an update last week, I’ll make up by having two this week. Thanks to all the (4) people that read this. Hi mum. Now for an Autocar (before they messed it up) style review of the Camry.

Toyota Camry

Top Speed: Fastest Car In The World (if rented)

0-100: Not Fast Enough

70-0: Ditto

For: Comes with beige cardigan

Against: Comes with beige cardigan

Introduction

The latest Toyota Camry came onto the scene with a mass cure for insomnia. Over the years, for the Australian market, Toyota produces a mid sized sedan, which has been remarkably plain. They have followed, with religious fervour the rather self explanatory 3 box design. The driving experience was a means of automotive that got you from A to B, that looked boring, and because it was so damned reliable, you never had a good enough excuse to get rid of the damned things.

The Camry comes from the American derived Camry, and in an effort to be different, Toyota restyled it extensively. They did such a marvellous job, that it still looks exactly like the American one. Kudos goes to Toyota Australia for such a cock up.

Design & Engineering

Good points are as follows: It’s reliable. It’s a Toyota. It won’t break down. The headlights look good. That’s it really. Oh, the V6 makes a nice noise just before it redlines.

This car has been manufactured in Australia, and Australians can prove that it is possible to make cars with panel gaps that line up, but the Camry isn’t one of these cars. The fit and finish of the car was deplorable. There were gaps large enough to drive a LandCruiser through (like the Toyota plug?), and this design followed through to the interior. The mismatches of plastics are horrendous, but at least are of a similar colour. If you find battleship grey mixed with poo a sexy colour, stop reading and head for your nearest Toyota dealer. Try not to stain the seats. For the rest of us, it’s American rubbish. America has trouble making an interior that is attractive and functional, for mass produced cars. I cannot think of a single American car that has a truly desirable interior, and anyone who is going to comment about the Chrysler Imperial can shut up now, 1937 wasn’t yesterday, no matter how much Morgan Cars argue otherwise (they still make cars with wood). And Art Deco in cars was killed off by Ralf Nader. So shut up.

No, the interior isn’t so much as horrendous, as a standing ovation to the design characteristics of cars produced in the 1990’s. It is so completely featureless, the moon looks like a carnival of bright colours and flashing lights in comparison. The seats are simply pews in which you rest yourself on, and are uncomfortable enough to keep you from falling asleep against the affront to design the dash provides.
A pathetic and shameful attempt really. If anyone considers this to be a handsome car, with a well sorted interior will be taken outside and shot by me.

Plus the handbrake was on the wrong side of the centre console. Every time you go to engage/disengage your passenger will be giving you strange looks when you go to grasp the handbrake as it looks like your hand is on trajectory to their thigh.

Performance/Brakes

This is one area of the car that is better than the looks. Braking, not the performance. The brakes have a nice progressive feel to them, and I was taken aback by the performance they offered. I have not ever known a Toyota to offer this amount of feel and feedback, and to find it in a family sedan was a pleasant surprise.

The performance of the car, to be charitable, was crap. So it had a V6 displacing a truly massive 3 litres, it was pathetic, and limp wrested. It made a nice sound, as I mentioned before when you rev the ring out of it, but otherwise, it was pathetic.

Being front wheel drive, front engined, it had a ponderous feel when the going got tough. This car doesn’t inspire confidence. A Camry driven in anger is not a good thing. The suspension was too hard for Australia’s dreadful roads. You felt every lump, bump, and expansion joint in the road. The ride was truly woeful. The Ford BA Falcon could teach many things to the Camry, though thanks largely to its Jaguar derived Independent Suspension.

Handling & Ride

I pretty much have covered this in the previous topic. I did not enjoy driving this car in anger (in the cars defence there were squeals of protest from Precious in the passenger seat). Front wheel drive, plus a heavy V6 over the front wheels doesn’t really set the car on a good footing to start with, but even so, it has loads of engineered in understeer to sway you otherwise. I didn’t left foot brake/lift off oversteer because I don’t know how to, and I would probably broadside a tree knowing my luck. Ditto to the fact I don’t have access to a racetrack with large run off areas.

Comfort, Safety and Equipment

Comfort: Rubbish.

Safety: It has Airbags, and fantastic brakes.

Equipment: Again, I think I saw a free optional beige cardigan on the options list.

Running Costs:
You put fuel in and it goes. You service it when you need to. It’s a car damn it, and they cost money to run. Plus I think I’ve seen some low mileage BA MkII Falcons around for the price of the V6 Camry. I know what I’d buy.

The Autocar Tristram Verdict

The Ferrari F430 is irresistible, whether you’re viewing it from the kerb or the drivers seat…the F430 is the most exciting high performance driving machine of the moment…err sorry, the article I was plagiarising from was drawing me away. I can’t believe they gave the Aston Martin DB9 only 4 out of 5 stars! And they’d buy the Ferrari over the DB9! Are they nuts? Ferrari’s have lost their timeless beauty, and are now shaped in a wind tunnel instead, bringing that function over form argument to the fore. Quite frankly, the Aston Martin is a amazing and very beautiful vehicle, that I would give up 50% of my chance to have children to own.

Oh, and avoid the Camry, its bollocks. If you really have a need to get around, the bus is a viable alternative.

Toyota Camry, Possibly The Worst Car In The World?

In my day to day humdrum life, I come across all sorts of people. Due to my choice employment, and study, I certainly meet all types. And from this, you can distil many types of people.

First off are the mature aged women, in their 50’s, with no life left in them. They have the full knowledge that their bodily bits are starting to drop off from this age, and that they no longer have their youthful looks. They fall into the ‘battleaxe’ class. Simply because their simple lives involve nothing more than either serving customers or bitching about customers/colleges to customers/colleges. Nothing is ever good enough for these people, and compassion is something they lost along with their virginity. These people by nature aren’t very intelligent. Usually, and IQ of 75 is needed to walk and talk at the same time. Somehow, they’d make these people look the equivalent of Hawking. They find Woman’s Weekly and New Idea scintillating and in-depth reads. Knowing all about celebrities lives will enrich their lives, just as much as smoking will make you wrinkle free and young again.

They have a perm job on their hair, in some deluded hope that it’ll make them look beautiful. Makeup too is applied liberally, hoping that if you fill in the wrinkles with polyfilla (Google it) that they might regain the youthful sheen. A trowel is part of their makeup kit. In short they aren’t very pleasant to talk to, are annoying, and quite frankly should’ve dropped off the planet 20 years ago.

Next off are the men whose lives revolve around a crappy job. They may actually enjoy their job and find it scintillating. Their jobs usually involve repeating a mundane task over and over again. This ranges from cutting fabric to a certain length, or selling manchester in a department store. They lead a simple life, and have simple minds. To pass the time they talk about women. Or the ‘Job.’ The Job is important to them. It is their life, and it means the world to them. As well acquiescing to their boss. In short, their lives are unfulfilling, simple, and as a result, they are not very intelligent people. They also think that they’re intelligent, and funny, as well as good looking. In honesty, they’re annoying, petulant little children that think they’re grown up, and someone has allowed them to fornicate with their wives, and bred. As soon as these people left school and got a part time job, they condemned themselves to a mundane job for the rest of their life. You can easily see these people in the city, walking along. They are the balding ones, with a fat wife, and 3 children who are all fat, ugly and stupid. They will grow up, leave school, get job, get mortgage, get kids, get fat, and die. Nothing too complex for these simpletons to handle.

Nosy people piss me off too. Not just people who like to gossip and want to know what happens, but people who have to know in every detail about what other people are doing, even if it has not one iota of their business. Usually these people are managers, and are on a power trip of sorts. These aren’t the sort of managers you encounter in the professional business arena, I for one have no experience with this, so I don’t know of they differ or not. Instead, I’m talking about managers that have been promoted from crappy mundane jobs that have flourished into a full time career of crap. They have tiny wages, and, if it’s male, their wives dress them. For men, this is not a good idea, because quite frankly women have no idea how to dress a man. They many think they do, but I can quite honestly sit here and put my hand on a bible without fear of being smote, and agree to the aforementioned. Usually by the time the wife turns 50, she is falls into the ‘battleaxe’ category. As managers, for the uni student, you are going to hate them. You know that you are immensely more capable than them at the job you are doing, and you could also do theirs too, whilst still at university. The mangers realise this, and give the poor student, even fewer hours, committing the student to find another job. And so on. You go to work each day, plotting how to get back at the manager and make them look like a fool.

What ties all these horrid people together are two things. First, they don’t know that they should be grouped together and made to live on the moon, with no oxygen or food, and that they all chiefly drive Toyota Camry’s. This makes it the worst car, in the world! You know that there is some middle aged twat who treats all the people around them like a puppy treats your favourite slipper. In the end you know both are going to get chewed out, and there is not a damned thing you can do about it.

The reason why they like their Toyota Camry is simple, like their minds. It is a big simple car. It has 4 wheels. It can seat 5. It is a Toyota, so it will never break down, even if you leave it submerged in sea water for a month. It also comes in a 4 cylinder model, so they can drive around, in a big car, and look down their nose on the larger 6 cylinder models and laugh about how much more fuel efficient their cars are. It’s this priggish inward looking idealism that sums these people up. They are so stupid, and have such a shit job, that they can’t even afford a proper large 6 cylinder car. And if they can, they’re still stupid.

What worries me, is that I’m about to spend a week in a rented Camry.

But everyone knows the fastest moving object in the universe is a rented car.

Not a Focus. Or a Golf, or an Astra.

Confused? Read on.

Focus, Astra and Golf.

Normally when you read car reviews, you assume that the writer has actually driven the cars. Unless it’s in a newspaper then you can safely assume that they’ve just copied and pasted the PR write-up of the car into a column to pad out their automotive section, in some vain hope that their journalistic efforts will amount to more than an automotive magazine. I’ll be writing most of my reviews in this similar vein. Instead of rewriting press releases, I’ll be taking my own bent angle.

In the past 18 months, there have been three new significant cars released onto the local market. The Volkswagen Golf, Holden Astra and the just released Ford Focus. All are significant cars for their respective manufacturers in Europe, but the Astra is the odd one out in our market, it being the only one not produced in, relatively local, South Africa.

All three cars have taken influences from each other’s previous models for styling and engineering. The Focus has grown up. Ford noticed (with envy) the cult following Volkswagen got from the middle class as the desirable, no nonsense and conservative hatch to own. It didn’t depreciate quickly, was relatively inexpensive to own, and didn’t break down like a Peugeot. In Australia though, if you drove a Golf you were a yuppie prat, with bad choice in cars. It was an uninspiring drive; Sport and GTi were only trim spec levels. You could do better with a Peugeot 307, if it didn’t break down all the time.

So Ford focused grouped the Focus to what we have today. Still a fantastic drive, with the independent rear suspension that gifted the car with a planted feeling, but the styling has gone all Volkswageny, conservative. It looks like a car should be. It has a front and a back, with 4 wheels. It should sell well then.

The Astra has always been a little bit different. Opel/Vauxhall (or Whatever) wanted to provide the world with something a little bit different. They achieved their goal. The problem is, in all their exuberance, they designed a fridge. To my recollection I don’t think there has ever been a car that has had a designer sit down at his kitchen table, think of what glorious curves and awe inspiring lines to grace the new Astra, looked at his fridge, and said, with honesty, “hey good looking!” Conservative is the wrong word here. Uninspiring. Tepid. More words beginning with un.

The latest Astra has gone ten steps forward from the previous generation. The styling is more updated and has taken inspiration from the fresh faced Focus. It looks fantastic with playboy wheels but shame about the interior fit and finish; it’s a mix of expensive and cheap plastics. Looks alright though, just whatever you do, don’t touch it. Or do, if your test driving it.

Volkswagen, rather sensibly ignored all the frippery that went on with the other two manufacturers, and went about updating its design. The result is a car that looks exactly like the previous generation Golf has suddenly found itself in the middle of a wild drug and sex charged party. Startling, yes. Unfortunately, the interior doesn’t reflect this, exactly the sort of place a frowning mother in law would approve of.

So there we have it. A startled German, a hatch that a 4 year old would tear to bits in 15 seconds, and an insomnia cure. Which one would I pick? Alfa Romeo 147 GTA. Sure the Alfa would break down, but at least I’d look good doing so. And in this market, that’s one thing that is lacking. Style.

Tristram.

This is the first of my blogs, as a sort of outlet for all my car related nonsense. I'm not terribly sure what direction this'll take, but it'll be interesting.

As for updates - they'll be reguarly, but again, i'll see how I go!



Tristram