Nissan Note

Scientists have just informed National Geographic that by as soon as 2060 there will be no redheads left in the world. Think about this. No more red hair jokes, no more fiery tempers. Apparently around 2% of the world’s population actually has red hair.

The only solution that the scientists have given us is to move to Scotland, where the recessive gene is apparent in approximately 40% of the population – which leads to a greater chance in small ginger nuts running around. Though, confusingly, this will only reduce the rate of our red headed friends disappearing, as the world becomes even more populated. Which lead me onto another thought – what will we look like in 100 years? Our world is becoming increasingly globalised, what happens when all the people in Asian countries have enough wealth to travel abroad? And continue the population intermingling? By then, including Indians and the Middle East, Asians will surely count for more than 50% of the world’s population. Western countries seem to see a decline in population numbers, as birth rates are below the magic 2.7 children mark. Just amongst my close friends, the most children that they want ranges between one and two. Certainly not 3. Which means that us Westerners may be a dieing breed. Rejoice bin Laden!

So where does this leave the Nissan Note? I’m trying to think of something vaguely interesting to write about this nondescript car. It’s styled by committee, rather than a single entity to appeal to all, and succeeds in appealing to none. It has to be the most politically correct vehicle you could purchase at the moment.

In an effort to please Uncle Scrooge’s offspring accountants, Renault was brought into the picture to share costs. The result? More designers wanted input to give each car their own brand identity, which in turn makes what may have been a vaguely interesting design even more bland. Some of the most fondly remembered cars and sales success stories have been elegantly designed and proportioned vehicles – something this car is not. Like red haired people, all the interesting bits got bred out in series of design meetings.

Instead, all this car brought to the world were a series of ill timed exploding car adverts, a day after the Glasgow airport terrorist attempt. Not something to be remembered by. Maybe in the facelift Nissan could add a red hair option.

At least it would be different.

Why you should drive an old Mercedes

There’s a television series on at the moment presented by Baldric of Black Adder fame. I haven’t taken the time out to see this myself, but the premise is quite simple. He looks for the worst jobs ever in history, and tries them out. Apparently some of the results can be quite amusing. If we had to look around ourselves now, things aren’t so bad.

There are no really bad jobs anymore, we have machines to do the truly atrocious ones. Even the really bad ones pay well – to the point struggling university students would even contemplate doing them. Nonetheless, there are jobs around that makes you question what type of person would devote their lifetime and career working at it.

Security guards are a good starting point. Interviews must go along the lines of “are you a small minded cretinous bully?” If responded in the affirmative, then you’re handed your plastic badge, shirt with polyester lapels and walkie talkie. You patrol deserted car parks, gyms and shopping centres, bored out of your little minds, and most probably go home to sodomise bunnies and puppies. You don’t have any friends, and you most certainly drive a tiny Korean shitbox.
Car park attendants make security guards look like charismatic fellows, full of life and so popular with their friends that they require a PA to organise their social lives. No parking attendants, I have to summarise are not human. Why on earth anyone would want to do a job where you are patently hated by everyone. Even people who don’t drive cars don’t like parking attendants. What do these people tell their friends when asked what their profession is? Lie and say they’re something interesting like a tax accountant? How do these people procreate? Moreover who allows these people to procreate? And the car they drive? Either the old second hand motor bike the council has given them (and should be run over any given opportunity) or a…Korean shitbox.

Which brings me around to Mercedes – old Mercs in particular. You’d have to belong to a lunatic asylum to drive one of these old boats around. Sure, you can pick them up for not a lot of money, but they drink fuel faster than a Hummer, probably one of the most fuel inefficient vehicles on the road at the moment. They cost a lot of money to keep going, and some are getting so old, serious restoration work is required to get them back on the road again.
But have you ever seen an old Merc slide by? Have you noticed how amazing it looks? You ignore the rust streaks, the chrome falling away, but watched as it progressed stately by. You don’t feel any animosity towards the driver – unlike a driver of a new Mercedes. In our current political distaste towards speed, you begin to look like a bit of a tool buying a fast car. Instead, change your perspective and drive something more appropriate. The same applies for most old cars – but there is a line. Unless you’re over 50, anything old and American is unacceptable. Unless you’re a child of a member of the Beach Boys, you have no excuse to drive an old Desoto or Mercury. Instead think Western European. Anything east is most certainly from beyond the Iron Curtain, and unless your clinically insane, or want to die – no, don’t go there. Nothing screams colonial expatriate looking down on convicts as an old Jaguar or Bentley. Cigar and chauffer advisable.

But an old Merc? Pure cool.

Car Choices

There reaches a time in most people’s lives, when their studies draw to a close. Life will certainly become rather dull. Obligations begin to arise, private health cover, mortgages, and having to attend your partners friends dinner do’s. These are even worse than dull, it’s akin to pulling teeth. Almost guaranteed there will be an engineer and an accountant at the table. These people became engineers and accountants because they have a personality of a limp wet tissue. Having to spend 4 hours with these people, even with alcohol, does not equate an enjoyable evening. Sure, their partners will suggest how much money they’re earning, and that great holiday they’re going to take next week to Thailand.

Oh yes, how people go from raving partier with obligaritory traffic cone on head to domesticated in such a short period of time is simply staggering. It’s like they have sat down, and written a list of things they really enjoy doing, crossed them all out and made the only New Years resolution that sticks. I mean honestly, if you had told that person 5 years prior what their life would be like, they’d laugh at you. Then head to the pub and attempt to have sex with their tutor.

Wouldn’t it be nice to know before heading into a dinner party what sort of guests you’ll be spending your precious hours with? A way you could survey the battlefield before either beating a hasty tactical retreat, or head in prepared with all guns blazing? Well, there is. You need to look no further than the vehicles that are littered out the front. This means that you will be late.

Being late is a Good Thing. This means that everyone notices you when you arrive. Being the first person isn’t so great. You have to make awkward small talk with someone you may not know entirely well, wondering what the funny smell emanating from the kitchen is. Being later means that everyone has at least had one drink, in some cases two, and that people have begun to let go of their inhibitions.

Now, onto the cars. Because most of the people are young, but in a professional job they will have most certainly ditched their first set of wheels for something much more respectable. The Commodore with the mismatched body panels and amusing rust pattern doesn’t project the right sort of image. Instead they have made a purchase, and this time they have more money, which means a larger range of choices.

No, this time they will drive a new Mazda. Or a Toyota, because they have great resale values – don’t they? Here are a few quick tips to narrow down the do or die, sink or swim, attend or not attend?

• It’s a new Japanese hatch. Avoid. These are bought by people who really have no imagination. They need A Car and they simply bought a car. Either that, or the husband knows exactly what he wants, but the wife brow beat him into making a mundane choice. Avoid.

• German brand. Ah, image conscious. They will be better dressed than you. It’s the badge, so it’ll be the bottom spec, 4 cylinder model with cloth seats. You won’t hear the end of what they did last holiday, and where they’re going for the next one. Problem is, they’ll be strapped for cash.

• Saab or Volvo. Walk in now. These are interesting people! They could’ve bought a better car, but instead went for something a little different. It is a new Volvo, they might be part of the previous category, but have a little taste. As for Saab’s, doesn’t matter how new or old, they aren’t good cars. But the people driving them are either architects or graphic designers. Interesting people.

• People mover. Probably Catholic. Ever heard the song Every Sperm is Sacred? There will be a child there, and will scream and poo quite a bit. Maybe even two children. Though the wife will probably have big boobs so it gives the men something to look at when bored. Which you will be. The husband will have a receding hair line, wear glasses and will wear beige cotton trousers. Beat a hasty retreat, call and say the mother-in-law has suddenly decided to drop by. They’ll understand.

• Italian. Walk straight in now. These people will be fantastically entertaining. The wife will try at some point to have sex with someone else, whilst the husband constantly flirts with the hosts’ wife. You will most certainly have an evening to remember.

• American. The older American cars are driven by balding men trying to rediscover their youth, whilst listening to the Beach Boys. But the newer cars? Most of these are driven by Greeks and Turks in their mid twenties with wheels off a semi, and an exhaust the size of a dustbin. They will talk about their car all night long. But at least their wife will be painfully attractive; you’ll have something to keep you amused.

• Tuned Japanese cars. Drive home now. They haven’t grown up. Facial acne and hair are guaranteed. Probably fat, and listen to drum and bass. Their skin will be the same colour as an autopsy buttock.

• Old cars. See Saab or Volvo. Don’t hesitate, they could’ve bought something much better and safer, but plainly bought something with style and grace.

• Anything Korean. Avoid. Drive away now, only security guards and parking ticketing officers drive these, as quite frankly they don’t have the imagination to do something better with their lives.

Keep these in mind if you are thinking of purchasing a car. It says a lot more about you than you may realise…

Australian Large Car Manufacturer Problems

The last eighteen months have been a difficult struggle for large car manufacturers in Australia. Three of the four prominent car companies have released new products in to the large car segment, in the past eighteen months. Mitsubishi released their Magna replacement, the 380, with huge fanfare. Holden have released their new Commodore replacement – the VE, and Toyota released their dismal selling Avalon replacement, the Aurion.

Due to the long ingestion period of six years or longer the market conditions were very different to the current climate. Back in 2000/2001 there were no real issues with the price of petrol at the pump. The price had hit the $1 mark, but had receded and stabilised around the 80-90 cents per litre mark. These were good times for a large car manufacturer for sales were increasing, alongside initiatives for reduced manufacturing costs. The projected future looked good, and the cars were designed to reflect this.

Mitsubishi were having problems with their Magna through these years. The model was ageing, and the competition had begun to move into newer models. Due to tight budgets, and money being allocated into the development of the 380, updates for the Magna were limited. The French born Olivier Boulay’s facelift of the Magna won no fans, the corporate image didn’t transplant well onto the larger car, similar to Ford’s New Edge design being implemented on the Falcon. Both designed looked good on their smaller Lancer/Mondeo models, but didn’t translate well onto the larger Magna/Falcon.

When the 380 was released, the market didn’t respond as well as Mitsubishi were hoping. Whilst the car was a brilliantly engineered car, they targeted it towards the large car market, a market that was beginning to show signs of slowing. Entering into a slowing market, with cut-throat deals being offered by most companies, consumers have become more savvy with resale values and are more subjective to the looks. The 380 is a little bland looking, and projected residuals were not good.

Holden’s replacement Commodore looks sensational compared to the previous model. No expense was spared (indeed, the $1 Billion vehicle marketing campaigns have let all Australia know), but sales are under projected forecasts. Toyota have weighed into the fray with their Aurion, probably one of Toyota’s best looking vehicles on the market at the moment.

This is the make or break moment for Ford Australia. Their parent company is failing, and won’t make profit until 2009. Ford Australia hasn’t been sitting still either, and has been developing a replacement model for their current Falcon/Fairmont line up. With the current market conditions it would be prudent to Ford Australia to offer a viable engine alternative to the current large 6 cylinder and V8 options.

Whilst current conditions don’t look to favourable for large car manufacturers within Australia, this would be a good chance for the makers to look for viable alternatives such as exporting, or downsizing their operations to more sustainable sizes. Hopefully there will be resurgence within the market or the resultant job losses and economic ramifications will be felt throughout Australia.