Car Choices

There reaches a time in most people’s lives, when their studies draw to a close. Life will certainly become rather dull. Obligations begin to arise, private health cover, mortgages, and having to attend your partners friends dinner do’s. These are even worse than dull, it’s akin to pulling teeth. Almost guaranteed there will be an engineer and an accountant at the table. These people became engineers and accountants because they have a personality of a limp wet tissue. Having to spend 4 hours with these people, even with alcohol, does not equate an enjoyable evening. Sure, their partners will suggest how much money they’re earning, and that great holiday they’re going to take next week to Thailand.

Oh yes, how people go from raving partier with obligaritory traffic cone on head to domesticated in such a short period of time is simply staggering. It’s like they have sat down, and written a list of things they really enjoy doing, crossed them all out and made the only New Years resolution that sticks. I mean honestly, if you had told that person 5 years prior what their life would be like, they’d laugh at you. Then head to the pub and attempt to have sex with their tutor.

Wouldn’t it be nice to know before heading into a dinner party what sort of guests you’ll be spending your precious hours with? A way you could survey the battlefield before either beating a hasty tactical retreat, or head in prepared with all guns blazing? Well, there is. You need to look no further than the vehicles that are littered out the front. This means that you will be late.

Being late is a Good Thing. This means that everyone notices you when you arrive. Being the first person isn’t so great. You have to make awkward small talk with someone you may not know entirely well, wondering what the funny smell emanating from the kitchen is. Being later means that everyone has at least had one drink, in some cases two, and that people have begun to let go of their inhibitions.

Now, onto the cars. Because most of the people are young, but in a professional job they will have most certainly ditched their first set of wheels for something much more respectable. The Commodore with the mismatched body panels and amusing rust pattern doesn’t project the right sort of image. Instead they have made a purchase, and this time they have more money, which means a larger range of choices.

No, this time they will drive a new Mazda. Or a Toyota, because they have great resale values – don’t they? Here are a few quick tips to narrow down the do or die, sink or swim, attend or not attend?

• It’s a new Japanese hatch. Avoid. These are bought by people who really have no imagination. They need A Car and they simply bought a car. Either that, or the husband knows exactly what he wants, but the wife brow beat him into making a mundane choice. Avoid.

• German brand. Ah, image conscious. They will be better dressed than you. It’s the badge, so it’ll be the bottom spec, 4 cylinder model with cloth seats. You won’t hear the end of what they did last holiday, and where they’re going for the next one. Problem is, they’ll be strapped for cash.

• Saab or Volvo. Walk in now. These are interesting people! They could’ve bought a better car, but instead went for something a little different. It is a new Volvo, they might be part of the previous category, but have a little taste. As for Saab’s, doesn’t matter how new or old, they aren’t good cars. But the people driving them are either architects or graphic designers. Interesting people.

• People mover. Probably Catholic. Ever heard the song Every Sperm is Sacred? There will be a child there, and will scream and poo quite a bit. Maybe even two children. Though the wife will probably have big boobs so it gives the men something to look at when bored. Which you will be. The husband will have a receding hair line, wear glasses and will wear beige cotton trousers. Beat a hasty retreat, call and say the mother-in-law has suddenly decided to drop by. They’ll understand.

• Italian. Walk straight in now. These people will be fantastically entertaining. The wife will try at some point to have sex with someone else, whilst the husband constantly flirts with the hosts’ wife. You will most certainly have an evening to remember.

• American. The older American cars are driven by balding men trying to rediscover their youth, whilst listening to the Beach Boys. But the newer cars? Most of these are driven by Greeks and Turks in their mid twenties with wheels off a semi, and an exhaust the size of a dustbin. They will talk about their car all night long. But at least their wife will be painfully attractive; you’ll have something to keep you amused.

• Tuned Japanese cars. Drive home now. They haven’t grown up. Facial acne and hair are guaranteed. Probably fat, and listen to drum and bass. Their skin will be the same colour as an autopsy buttock.

• Old cars. See Saab or Volvo. Don’t hesitate, they could’ve bought something much better and safer, but plainly bought something with style and grace.

• Anything Korean. Avoid. Drive away now, only security guards and parking ticketing officers drive these, as quite frankly they don’t have the imagination to do something better with their lives.

Keep these in mind if you are thinking of purchasing a car. It says a lot more about you than you may realise…